Monthly Archives: November 2012

Fear!

Maybe I’m a little slow but I’ve just figured out that fear is the reason for absolutely every decision I make. I don’t just mean decisions about what food to eat or locking my doors at night. I mean absolutely every decision I make!

I get out of bed in the morning because I’m afraid if I don’t, I’ll not get to work on time and I’ll lose my job which will open up a whole new can of fears. Everything I do to get ready for work in the morning is based on this fear of losing my job. I’m afraid that if I wear sweats and flip flops, things could go downhill quickly with the boss. Then if I don’t drive a certain way, I could have/cause an accident and not get to work on time.

I drive on the right side of the road for fear that I could hurt myself or someone else. I make coffee when I get to work not only because I want some, but also because I know it will help with my shining disposition and the thought of an outburst at work is simply terrifying. I sit at my desk a certain way, for fear that my feet and legs will hurt when I get up if I sit wrong. I pick my son up at preschool on time everyday, for fear that he might get kicked out because of me and that can be disastrous on many levels.

Fear is such a tiny little four letter word that means so much. It comes from everything around me and I subconsciously react to it with all of my senses and most of the time, never really realize that I’ve actually made a decision. Kind of like not touching the hot burner on the kitchen stove. I don’t think about it but it’s just something I don’t do automatically for fear of being burned.

With all  this built in fear of the little things, how sad is it that while all of this is going on, there are forces in the world who constantly and deliberately bring even more fears to my attention? I’m talking about the media, the drug companies, advertisers in general, politicians, preachers, and the list goes on and on.

I have to eat Activia every day or my pipes will get backed up and I need a glass of red wine to keep “the cancer” away. I need this pill for this and that pill for that and If I don’t take my calcium my spine could disintegrate and then where would I be? I have to stay healthy because all the terrorists are coming to kill us all and I have to be strong enough to fight! Well, at least until late December because the Mayans have told us that the world is going to end and I should really prepare myself for that too. I only have a little over a month to make sure that my afterlife is taken care of and I won’t be stuck in some horrible place for eternity with no access to my Activia, wine and calcium.

No wonder I’m such a mess!

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My Own Personal Holiday Hell

It’s happening a little early this year for some reason. I can’t quite pinpoint the trigger but my usual holiday depression is setting in and I feel myself slowly slipping away. Sometimes I wonder if it only comes because I expect it. I fight it every year and somehow manage to survive. Some years are easier than others and some years I pay a little visit to the doctor to get some help for a few months.

Well, I’m sick of it! I’m suspicious of the reason that it comes back year after year and I’m beginning to believe that my methods of coping are the culprit. So, this year, instead of stuffing it all down, ignoring it, denying it, turning the pain into something else…I think I need to try owning it instead. For once, admit it, pay attention to it, take it out and lay it on the table and just look at it.

I’m actually a little afraid to face it all but I think it’s necessary. I just don’t want to live the rest of my life knowing this will happen every year and knowing in the back of my mind that there is the possibility of making it stop.

So, prepare yourself. This could get very ugly.

 


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